Nine days ago now – holy crap, time is flying – I got shitcanned. In that time I’ve run the gamut. I don’t know what stage of grief I’m on just now, let me check…
Ahh, thank you, Thing.* So yeah I think, I may, after just 9 days, be hitting the upward turn because the positive thoughts are definitely outweighing the negative ones. Granted, this is a deliberate choice on my part to do so. But that’s the blight, which I talked about in my previous entry. Everything negative must go! And some negative things actually masquerade as positive things. I confess. In my back pocket I am keeping a nuclear option where I ask my parents for financial help. We’re a year away from even being close to that position – but still. I’m 50 years old and my brain seriously entertained the notion of (at least virtually) moving back in with my parents.
I’ll chalk that one up to anger and bargaining and leave it at that. But that thought led to weakness and would prevent me from looking at all options to get into a better situation for myself and my family, if I thought well, this was all just a joke this last 15 years, I was just pretending to be a grown-up.
A lot of other people don’t have it near as good as me. I know that too and I’m eternally grateful. But I could be more grateful. A lot of my life has been spent focusing on the negative. I made an art form out of it. Like the unruly kid who wants attention and one day, unfortunately gets it for the wrong thing and from that moment on, does wrong to feel right. I became a professional cynic and man was I an asshole. I think I’m better now but who knows. I don’t know how others see me but I do know that when I sought out the evil and ugly in the world I was depressed and moody to the point of qualifying for therapy and medication, both of which I’ve been through and that’s no picnic.
So yeah. The Upward Turn. Here I sit, at my job, writing this on a $400 laptop I bought (see what I mean about being better off than most?) hooked in via wifi hotspot on my phone, writing blog entries for practice as I think about getting myself a better life for my family. Isn’t that something awesome? And as I watch emails go by that would have pissed me off, sent me to LinkedIn or Indeed.com to scroll mutteringly through job opportunities, but never clicking “apply” because this place was just so cushy, well now I feel fucking great. I’m allowing myself to feel great. Allowing myself to realize I won’t be here for another Jan. 1 go-live, 8 am on 1/1 in the office what the hell was I thinking? Only to get let go, not two weeks later?
He sat back and smiled, and clicked “Publish.” Was this 500 words? No matter. It was words, parts of it had a point, and he was on the upward swing. Maybe by Saturday he’d be up to Reconstruction and well on his way to Acceptance and Hope.
Heck, maybe he was already th–
click!
\* That’s an MST3K reference by the way. If you got it, you can be my friend.